"It just happened"

A few years into my journey, I heard from people that they knew someone who knew someone who had stopped trying and just like magic, they were pregnant. I used to think it was a bunch of bull and what people said to infertiles. The past few years I have actually talked to reliable people who have confirmed that after years of fertility treatment they stop and get pregnant. Just today, of coure at work, a spouse is pregnant (so that'll make 6) after having difficulty getting preggers with their second. She did clomid and it wasn't working. I would like to say this is all wonderful but I am really infertile... Lots of problems here. It's not going to be as simple as, "Let's stop trying." Honestly, after 5 years we have seemed to stop trying the conventional way anyway. It seems to just be a means to an end that obviously can't be fulfilled. I just get more frustrated because I wish I could just live a normal life and have good things happen to us. But it just doesn't seem to be happening. :-( 

The announcements are never-ending..

As I said in the last post, I cannot get away from all things babies... I just spent most of the night bawling my eyes out, questioning my purpose in life.  I went to work in my room today and a fellow teacher told me that one teacher (who is new and who works in our grade level) is pregnant.  She said she didn't know if I wanted to know before it was known to everyone else.  It's never easy to find out- but I think it is better for me to know then be caught off guard.  At least, with this one, hopefully, I can avoid any announcements or surprises.  This will make 5 maternity leaves at my school.  This is probably the hardest.  Usually, it wouldn't be because I don't really know her.  But, since she's working in my grade level, I'm going to have to see her constantly, every single day.  I'll see her belly grow and hear everyone talk excitedly about her pregnancy.  I'm feeling like this is not going be a good year... :-(

Pregnancy & Babies.... All Around Me....

Just wanted to update everyone.  I've gone back to work and it's been really hard.  Not only was it made known that my school has "several maternity leaves" this year, one of them was announced in front of the ENTIRE school corporation staff... half of who is pregnant.  I just don't understand how people can pop them out like it is nothing - one after the other- and here I am... with nothing to show for.  It just breaks my heart so much.  I feel like I can't go one day without having to see or hear about somebody's pregnancy or baby.... Urgh! It is so frustrating.  :-(   The one thing I don't want to talk about or see is all around me and I can't get away....

Friendships

I just came back from a great lunch with friends that I've met along my journey.  So, I thought I'd blog a little about friendship and how it's changed for me, as I go through infertility.  There are some really wonderful people that I have met and would not have otherwise met if I wasn't on this path.  I am grateful to be their friends, but sad about the circumstances.  They are such a great support system and if you haven't gone to an infertility support group, I strongly encourage it.  Even though I feel alone at times, I never do when I talk to others who have been through the same thing.  I've been going for over a year now and it has positively affected me and in some ways, made me stronger.

Here's the bad side about my existing friendships before I went through infertility: they seem to be rapidly depleting.  It's funny how they say it takes a crisis to know who your true friends... I've learned the hard way that there is much truth to that.  Most of my friends have gone on to start their families and seem to leave me behind.  I can count on one hand those that have been supporting me throughout my journey.  Just asking me, "How are you?" is enough for me.  But, people don't even ask me that.  They just pretend like nothing's happening and thank God that it's me, not them, who is struggling.  Even some that have struggled with their own fertility seem to leave me in the dust after they "overcome" it.  It makes me sad because it seems like most people only want to be your friend when your life is going great.  Friends should be there for you, no matter what, especially in a time when you feel alone and devastated that your life isn't going as planned.  So, here's my advice for those of you that have infertile friends: Don't just say you're there for them... Show them that you're there and that you care.  Ask them how they are feeling.  Lend a listening ear.  Be a shoulder to cry on.  They need you now more than ever...

Confused

Is it crazy for me to want to try everything possible to have a child?  I have been looking into traveling to another state to a well-known fertility clinic to do donor eggs.  They have a shared-risk program (which I know I wouldn't qualify for IVF) but I may be able to qualify for a donor egg IVF.  I could get 6 tries and if a live baby is not born, we would get a 100% refund.  I've been thinking of how many sick days I have and how and when I could travel over there.  I feel like I'm a mad woman trying desperately to do anything to have a child... because I feel that I deserve a chance to be a mom too! On the other had, DH has pretty much given up on everything.  It's so confusing because something like this is supposed to bring us together.  We're supposed to support each other, and I don't feel that at all.  I feel alone again and wondering what the future will bring.  If you want something so badly, then why is it so wrong to do anything to get to that goal?  I just don't understand...

Here's another one...

Here's one of those depressing times that seem to ruin my whole day.  I'm a teacher and like to go into my classroom in the summer to get some work done... (I don't have any kids and have seemed to have lost a lot of friends, so it seems logical to do).  Well, anyway, usually there's nobody there except those who are doing summer school.  I had to walk around the school to different locations and on my way back to my room, in the hallway, I hear a teacher telling another teacher, she's having a little "bambino" in February. As soon as I heard it, I wanted to walk the other way because I was heading right towards them, but I couldn't!! So, as I walked past the two of them, they were hugging.  It was sooo awkward.  I didn't say anything but "hello" (I mean, it wasn't even my conversation) and that was even more awkward.  I'm sure she wouldn't have said anything if she had known I was right behind her.  But, of course, with my luck, there I was, to be one of the first to hear the news.  I was debating whether to go to our staff retreat right before school starts.  I didn't go last year because I knew they were going to announce a pregnancy.  Currently, with this new one, we have 3 young pregnant women at our school.  I e-mailed my principal right away and told him I wouldn't be there.  For those of you that understand, I can not go to that social gathering.  They will probably announce this new pregnancy and the other ones will have baby bumps and that's what everyone will talk about the whole time... I mean, it's a bunch of women.  What else can they talk about other than their kids? Then, I will go home and cry the rest of the night feeling sorry for myself and then feeling bad that I feel sorry for myself.  I feel so defeated when this happens because it reminds me of how much I've failed.  I don't understand how it can be so easy for everybody, except for me.  Is there some kind of magic potion that nobody is telling me about?  I mean, think I understand how it works, but maybe I'm missing something.. :-/

To add to the fire... got my letter that I requested from my fertility specialist today stating my troubles with conceiving and indicating that donor eggs is my best chance at getting pregnant...

BCP's

BCP's = Birth Control Pills... It seems very ironic that I would be taking bcp's considering the fact that I'm trying to get pregnant.  But, having a period actually makes my endo. worse.  So, when we're not doing any fertility treatments, I opt to take the pills to control the endo. as much as it can.  Here's the problem for the many times I have taken it since we've started trying (mind you, I did not have any problems for almost 10 years I took it prior to ttc): I have breakthrough bleeding. And not just here and then... it's continuous. And not just spotting either. I guess my body didn't get the memo.  I don't know how many times I have called the nurses and had my prescription changed again and again.  It went good last month, but this month (of course, when I'm on vacation) I have bleeding.  It's been about a week now and I don't know whether to call them again or not.  It's actually quite exhausting to call them, wait for them to call me back, go to Walgreens, try my new prescription, have more bleeding, and the cycle starts all over... I am just over it...

Do you have kids?

This question seems to be the only question that people can ask. Does it define me if I don't? Am I am better person if I do? I'm on vacation because my husband qualified for his company and so we're meeting a lot of people. That question is literally asked over and over again. And this isn't the first time. When I went to a wedding a couple of months ago, that was the question to ask. And if you didn't have kids, they were quick to brag about their kids to someone who did. It's awkwardness as its finest. This group of people, though, think if you don't have kids, it's the greatest thing (probably bc they're on vacation). "Oh, that's great! It's so much better and easier when you don't have to lug around kids.." Hmmmm... I'd give anything to "lug" around kids. Thanks for making it worse!! :-p

Why Me?

Even after 5 years, I still question, "Why me?"  It doesn't get any easier, at least for me it hasn't.  Many people say that you should have faith and there is a reason for why I am not able to have a child.  I would like to know what that reason is.  It has been really hard for me to keep my faith and I feel as though I have done everything right in my life. What could I have possibly done to not be able to have my own family? Why does God hate me? These are questions I ask myself because it's hard to understand why I am in this position.  There have been several dates in which I have found out I wasn't pregnant:  Christmas, the day my nieces were born, the day before Thanksgiving, and on the day of our 5th wedding anniversary, which you could say was also the day we started to try for a family.  Honestly, how messed up is that?!  Those are supposed to be happy days and instead, I am left grieving my own failures. I used to believe in signs, but if I believed in signs, what would this tell me? Nothing good, I don't think...
And here's something else that makes me angry and leaves me boggled.. http://www.wthr.com/story/18972358/four-month-old-found-dead-in-car-in-greenfield
http://www.wthr.com/story/18975236/toddler-rescued-from-hot-suv-released-from-hospital
Both are careless parents who had no regard for their own children.  Again, how is that fair?  I know that life can be unfair sometimes, but there are times where it's just too much to take...

Donor Eggs?

So, since I have a lot of catching up to do, I'll just continue! As I said in the last post, I went to 2 other fertility specialists.  The first one was in Sept. '11, before our last IVF.  Even though the doctor wasn't really personable, I felt like it could be a good fit because he showed me a similar case to mine and the woman got pregnant.  But, money is such an issue and it would have been cheaper to continue with my same fertility specialist.  They have been helping me with the medication aspect, since I have to take more than the average woman.  :-P  And we know how that IVF turned out...
The next fertility specialist I went to was in the spring of '12.  Ok, so let me remind you of my conditions: endo, antibodies kill sperm, low ovarian reserve, and I was diagnosed with adenomyosis (endo. of the uterus).  So, my file is, let's just say, HUGE.  Ok, well, when we went in to meet with this doctor, he looked at me like I had 5 heads.  He basically asked why we were wasting our money on my eggs and what problem I had with donor eggs.  Well, the fertility specialist I had been seeing for the past 3 years had said that donor eggs was my best choice, but I wasn't ready.  Needless to say, I left the appointment crying my eyes out...
It took me awhile to accept the fact that this is going to be our best option, but it is still hard.  I know it may be selfish, but I wanted a child to have mommy's nose and daddy's eyes... but now it'll just be daddy's eyes and some other woman's nose.  After doing a little research and talking to other people, I came to the realization that he/she will be OUR child.... The baby will pick up on so much of our habits and personality, it won't matter what they look like.  Now, if only we can get the money part in order...

Silent Sorority

I know... it's been a really long time since I've been on here.. And I wish it was because I had good news to share and I've been so busy.  But, I don't have good news.  Since my last post (which was over a year ago- eek!), we have been to 2 more fertility specialists and had a failed IVF.  The last IVF we did was in Nov. '11.  It actually seemed really promising.  On the ultrasound, it looked like I had several eggs, but when they went for the retrieval, I only had 3 eggs.  They all fertilized, which was great, but only 1 had progressed to a blastocyst. But, of course, we couldn't leave the other 2, so all 3 were implanted.  Two weeks later... you know the rest.  It was the day before Thanksgiving and we left the same day to go to Pennsylvania to visit my family.  Boy, that trip was not fun... especially after seeing everybody who likes to tell me, "Oh, you're so young; you have time." or "It'll happen." or my absolute favorite "You just need to relax."  Yuck! That makes me really want to visit PA so much more...
But something good has come out of good 'ole PA... I've been debating about whether to get my blog back going and I recently received a special message from a good high school friend.  She told me that her and her husband have been going through a similar thing.  She had wanted to contact me but before but didn't.  I am so glad she did and I had absolutely no idea.  It made me cry terribly because I knew the pain she had felt.  Infertility really is a "Silent Sorority".  She told me she found "my determination and openness inspiring".  While I definitely do not feel inspiring, I felt it was my duty to start this back up and maybe help others who are struggling with this horrible disease.  So, here I am...